Interview with the Commissioner

Recently I had the chance to interview the illustrious Commissioner of the King of the Blogs. Here is the interview, which may prove relevant for those attempting to triumph in the competition.

1. What made you decide to come out of retirement and become the first Commissioner for the King of the Blogs?

When Nick first asked me, I was reminded of a scene from Where is the Cheat where Coach Z says "Hey look! The King's gone mad with power!" It was then that I understood that this was my destiny. (By the way, did you know that I now actually have the power to fire Nick? Perhaps that is why he is being so nice to me as of late.)

2. Are you looking forward to having to act as arbitrator or would you prefer things runs smoothly and you are left alone?

What I really would like to see is a couple of high profile controversies which appear to be difficult but are really simple. After a few Solomonesque judgments to establish my reputation, I would prefer things stay quiet, very quiet. Quiet enough that I don't have to do lift a finger but still get the free link to my blog (it's over there to the left).

3. It is said that to win the King of the Blogs, it helps to butter up the judges. Do you think it is also a good idea for Pretenders to suck up to the Commissioner as well?

Strategically thinking, why waste energy bribing three different judges when it is so much more efficient to focus on the one person who has veto power over everything. Instead, butter up the Commissioner and treat the judges with contempt; then when they rule against you, issue a formal complaint.

Of course, this works both ways. If the judges don't want to be embarrassed by being overruled all the time, it would behoove them to send a few goodies my direction as well.

4. What are the best ways to suck up to you?

Great question! I can see you have some interview experience. Links are always accepted as are cash or live animal donations. I know the government is not really that keen on people shipping firearms, so despite my need to exercise the 2nd Amendment, sending weapons would probably be considered "bad form".

(I have a 6 year old daughter and feel an urgent need to establish a most impressive arsenal prior to her attaining puberty.)

5. Is there anything that a Pretender should NEVER do? Something that will instantly get on your bad side?

You know, nothing really comes to mind here. There are some clichés which invoke seizures, like "taking my game to the next level", so don't use that one or any of its kin. Using suggestive images or porn is also a major dead end. Never understood why people get worked up about pixels on a screen. But then, maybe they don't have live access to my Queen (May She Live Forever).

6. What is the best piece of advice you can offer the folks vying for the crown?

Funny is always good. Clever is helpful but only when it is coupled with funny. If you are depending on serious thought or demonstrations of intellect to earn a new hat, you are not ready for this game. Writing skills are useful at times, but again I defer to the first two items.

Be funny, be clever, and if you are going to have typos, make sure they are both funny and clever. Your bribes should also be funny and clever…and expensive.

Posted by christweb at December 9, 2004 01:22 PM